Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
