if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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