Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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