Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
