I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
