At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
