my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
