Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
