Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
