Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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