just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You pole danced in your parka.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
