i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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