They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
