She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Terrible idea I love it
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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