How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
