mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
