giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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