why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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