Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
