He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
