I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
