he thought i was a dude.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
This is my life. Enjoy the view
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
