i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
