Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
