john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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