Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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