Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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