I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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