if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
