I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
