woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
