I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
