a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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