My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
