Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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