I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Randomize
