Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
