There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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