In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
