Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
