please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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