I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
