U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
