I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
