I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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