New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
This baby is an asshole
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
