I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
