I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize