Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
