somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
