He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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