i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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