I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize